Learning To Paint Again

A journey with creativity, and healing.

Hello Dear Creature, 

This is supposed to be a bi-weekly letter, but painting has me ruminating and I felt the need to write and share.

I never had planned on stopping painting, but it happened…  to be blunt picking it backup has been alot harder than I expected. The transition to physical art feels like trying to speak a language I once knew but have forgotten. My brain is at odds with itself, torn between the way I used to create and the way I yearn to create now. At first, I thought my struggle was just a matter of being out of practice….like painting was using a part of my brain that had become dormant from neglect. But now, I realize it’s not just that. It’s deeper. It’s tangled up in fear and my past history with the medium itself. But I'll get into that later on.

I switched to digital art for practical reasons. I was living full-time in a vehicle, and space was limited. Art supplies, the kind I had grown used to, were hard to come by in the remote place I called home. And even when I could find them, they were expensive, far beyond what I could afford at the time. So, I picked up my iPad, and that was it. For six years, I closed that creative chapter of my life, focusing only on my digital work.

But recently, something has shifted. I’ve felt a longing for something more a pull I can’t ignore. The thing with digital art is that it doesn’t exist in the physical world unless you print it. It’s just a file. I’ve come to realize I miss the tangible aspect of creation—the feeling of supplies in my hands, the textures, the weight. I want to feel the paint, the brush, the paper beneath my fingers. I want to dance around in front of my art feeling the motions of my body as I put paint to canvas. I want my work to exist in this world, not just as a series of pixels on a screen.

my experiments drawer, I never know what to do with these so for now they live here, maybe one day ill just give them away when I have enough.

Starting Again- Struggling with permanence and the concepts of “good”

I think I’m taking it all too seriously. I’ve become so accustomed to creating at a certain standard, a certain level of quality, that I’ve lost sight of the joy in it. I’ve realized that I’ve forgotten how to play…..how to just make for the sake of making. The reason I started creating in the first place was because it was fun, it was freeing. I’ve created my whole life, but now, for the first time, I feel myself truly struggling with this pressure to “make good art.” Sometimes, I wonder if the weight of making art my livelihood, combined with the expectations and shame that come with platforms like Instagram, is to blame.

The thing with digital art is that it feels risk-free. It costs me nothing but time, and if something doesn’t work, it’s easy to delete and move on. No wasted supplies, no tangible reminders of what didn’t go right. But with physical art, every mark feels so permanent. Every mistake feels so real. And that’s what unnerves me—the confrontation with my mistakes. looking into my mistakes and having them reflect back at me, its hard for me to look at them and have them not make me feel that “I am not good enough, I am a mistake”, even though I know it’s all very silly. I’m afraid of investing time, effort, and money into creating something “bad,” and that fear is very actively holding me back.

I’m terrified of making mistakes. It’s a fear that has been with me for as long as I can remember, so deeply ingrained that it feels like part of who I am. But the irony is, making mistakes and not being perfect is such a real part of being human. It’s something I’ve been slowly unravelling from myself, trying to learn that imperfection is not something to be shamed, that it's okay. But that fear—it's still there, still haunting me, and it feels so difficult to shake.  

I have a big sketchbook that is just for combating this fear, it forces me to spend time just loosening up in my creative practice, letting myself experiment without the pressure of what I might create.  it's just for me, and that really helps my brain not overthink everything. It lets me just feel. Its very quickly becoming a healthy part of my creative practice. 

rules for creative play I made to hang above my desk, it helps me stay grounded.

THE PAST: Embracing the Echoes of Me

I used to paint all the time. When I was a child, it was my safe space. I’d spend hours in my room, lost in color and the mess. I never worried about whether my painting was “good” or not. It was never about that. Painting was how I processed everything I couldn’t say, how I made sense of emotions I didn’t understand. By the time I finished, I’d always feel lighter, like something inside me had been released.

But that changed in my early 20s, when everything fell apart. I was at rock bottom, lost in the depths of depression, consumed by pain and sorrow I didn’t know how to carry. So, I turned back to painting, hoping it would help me make sense of it all. I painted my darkness. My fear, my anger, my sadness, all of it poured out for the world to see.

When I finished those paintings, I couldn’t stand them. I was terrified of what I had created, if I looked at them too long I would burst into heavy sobs. They were BIG, vulnerable raw emotional self-portraits, full of monsters and beasts that seemed to mirror the worst parts of me. I wasn’t ready to face myself, to confront the depth of my pain. So, I ran from them. I hid them away in my parents’ attic, buried beneath layers of dust, out of sight, out of mind. 

And there they stayed, untouched, for years. That was the last time I feel like truly painted.

Recently, I went back home to retrieve some things, and as I climbed into the attic, I forgot those paintings were even there. When I found them, buried under thick dust, something surprising happened. I wasn’t afraid of them anymore. They didn’t scare me. Instead, I looked at them with a kind of quiet compassion. I saw them for what they were: raw expressions of a person I used to be, a version of me that I had buried so deep, I had forgotten they existed.

I cried. I cried for that version of myself, for the pain they carried, for the weight they struggled under every single day. They fought through life, kicking and clawing, doing everything they could to keep from being consumed by it all. But I didn’t feel shame. Instead, I felt tenderness. I held those paintings, not in fear, but in gratitude. I saw them as a record of my journey, one that was necessary for me to get here. I realized that version of myself carried me through it all, and for that, I am proud. Proud of how hard they fought, proud of how they survived, so I could be who I am today.

If I’m being honest, I’ll probably burn those paintings the next time I’m home. I think I’ll give them a quiet, final goodbye, kind of like a funeral, a way to release the brokenness, the trapped emotions, and free the parts of me that have been held in darkness for too long. To release the creatures within those paintings of their suffering , so that they can be free of their burden. 

So, Here I am, trying to paint again, trying to reconnect with a medium that has always carried so much weight for me. I’m beginning again, as a completely different person than the last time I picked up a brush. And more than anything, I want to stick with it, to use it as a way to create for myself, without the pressure of commissions or expectations. I’m stumbling through it, feeling so unfamiliar with every mark, but I’m letting myself feel the discomfort. I am embracing the messiness. Somehow, despite the struggle, it feels good. It feels like something I need to do. It feels like I’m standing at the edge of something beautiful, even if it’s a little terrifying.

Early morning sketchbook snippets

Some of my Favorite Supplies & Materials-

now that we have gotten through my tangled emotions about painting, here’s some of the stuff. I like to use <3. My paintings are primarily mixed-media works. When I create traditionally, I rarely limit myself to just one medium! I love the variety and the tactile experience of working with different textures. When I moved into my van, I ended up gifting away almost all my art supplies to close friends. Now, I’m slowly rebuilding my collection, bit by bit, I’m someone who likes to pick supplies out in person—I need to feel them in my hands. So, whenever we make trips to major cities, I try to pick something up. For context, the closest Blick is a five-hour drive away!

Below are some of my favorite materials to work with. (And don’t worry, these aren’t affiliate links!) 

Stabilo Woody 3 in 1 Pencils- One of my longtime standing favorites, i learned about them in collage, they are really great for monotype prints and mixed media work in general.

Caran d'Ache Neocolor II Aquarelle- I like to use these to draw over existing paint layers, they are new to me but I really like them so far

Sennelier Oil Pastels- super pigmented and buttery soft! I just got these, I wanted to wait till I could shop for them in person, but i’ve been enjoying them so far!

ACRYLIC PAINTS!- right now I don’t have a favorite brand of acrylic, i’ve been mostly using house paint samples and a bunch of different brands i’ve picked up for various projects. But I started using Golden SoFlat Matte Acrylic Paints and so far I have really liked them.

Gouache- I love gouache, although it is pricey! right now i’m just using a cheap set from a brand called HIMI its works okay, I told myself if I used it enough than I can justify buying nice gouache :) I used to work with Holbein when I could afford it.

I don’t have the right camera to photograph this piece so this will have to work for now, its really tricky to pick up flourescent colors correctly.

Thank you for reading, I am excited to see where all of this takes me

-Holls